Sigh. I haven’t been posting much as I haven’t had anything post worthy. I have lots of random thoughts and strange dreams I could chronicle, but I haven’t thought “Ah, I must blog about this.”

Lately I’ve been dealing with a malaise that descends when I have no creative project to set my mind to. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing right now. So I begin to ponder my accomplishments and evaluate what I have to show for myself. This leads to existential angst about what truly matters and why is it important to do anything at all. Makes it hard to motivate oneself to start creative projects.

And I’m lonely. The kind of loneliness that becomes more pronounced around other people. I’ve realized that my desire to be understood is actually a desire to be accepted. The core issues, the deep personal dilemmas, the things I felt needed to be understood in order to “get” me, are actually things you’d have to be me to understand. After exhausting my emotional energy over and over explaining my world view and creating only a deeper rift, I think I’d rather just be accepted for who I am.

And I’m losing hope. It’s like there’s this root network that permeates the foundation of my interactions, creating an amalgam of information that all speaks of hoplessness. So I will read a Twitter post about someone getting Starbuck’s and it resonates with a meme of despair I see unfolding. I’m doubting what I’ve thought true about people. More and more I am expecting failure and disappointment as the status quo. Giving people the benefit of the doubt seems more and more irrational.